At One With Nature, My Journal Entry

This was taken directly from my journal, June 1, 2014 at 5:30 am while on Post Duty at work.

I need to set this up a bit.  Post Duty at the prison I work consists of alternating driving and sitting, always observing the facility for something that might look out of the ordinary.  Yes, it could at the worst be an escape attempt or break in, but other things that could arise too like someone wandering about when/where they shouldn't be, or simply a mechanical situation.  It can be extremely boring, driving 3.5 mph around a prison, looking at the same thing over and over for 4 to 8 hours per 12 hour shift, so I look for all that is happening around me.  In that time, I am extremely aware of the moment, noticing every sound, movement and potential smell.

This time allows me to get close to the surrounding nature as well.  Our facility is close to nature, so I get to see all kinds of animals which is always a highlight for me.  Here's my entry...

On Post duty, sitting in the car outside the prison, and get this! For the last 10 minutes I have been mocking the calls of a Mockingbird, just 10 feet away sitting on the razor wire inside the fence. (Whistling as I write, and I can hardly do so) This little guy goes on with a tune for a few seconds, then I mock him, and he mocks me.  It's incredible!  Never felt so one with nature, or experienced this before.

Also earlier on the other side I saw a brand new spotted baby Whitetail fawn and it's mama, still wobbly-legged, cute as could be.  I also saw tonight on this shift a big raccoon, I call Edgar, a possum, a Swamp Rabbit, and the other night I actually saw a mole, not on me, but the mammel kind about the size of a mouse, with a long nose.  These little guys dig in the dirt for grubs, and are famous for tearing up residential laws.  It's 6:30am now, and I'm observing a big black feral hog, digging up the ground, probably a 150 pounder.  Gotta go now, next shift employees beginning to arrive.

Nature surrounds us everywhere, if we'll only just take the time to stop, be still and observe.  What a great opportunity to count our blessings; realize an appreciate these spectacular creatures God has blessed us with.  Solitude can be our friend if we let it.

Meaning Through Being

About two months ago I had the opportunity to spend some time in the waiting room of the doctor's office. So rather than go complete nuts with boredom,  I jotted down the thoughts that were going through my head. Most of the time my they come out in sentence form, but this time graphically. I didn’t know what it was about at the time, and just being scribbled on some scratch paper, I didn’t know what to do with it. Today I found the page folded up in my lunch box, stained with water, potato salad and crinkled, so I decided to finish and post it. For what it’s worth, here it is (see pic, click to enlarge)

The circles are not necessarily prioritized or strategic in size or location. They just fell where they did, and I’ll let some future psychologist tell me why.

What does the title mean and what do I wish to say? My point is, that I get meaning in life by being the person I am - nerd and all, sinner and saint, old but young, suburbanite and staunch independent leaning conservative.  I am blessed daily by doing what I do, being a husband, a dad far from his adult children, working a 9-5 job in a prison, making the mortgage payment and attending the neighborhood church on Sunday. Need there be more?

And yes, the racism in our nation makes me sad.  All lives matter.

The quote at the bottom of the picture reads, As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light of meaning in the darkness of mere being." - Carl Jung, 1962.

- gus

Return to Escalante, Moments of Solitude

I never found a companion that was so companionable as solitude. Henry David Thoreau

It has been almost thirty-seven years since I sat alone on the banks of the Escalante River in southern Utah. I was on my 31 day survival course called BYU Youth Leadership 480, still on-going yet privately run by Boulder Outdoor Survival School (BOSS). I need to describe the solo portion of our trip that we had the last week of the course.

The last seven days of the class I was completely alone, not seeing another person the entire time. I had no books to read or journal to write in. I had in my possession a bow and drill tool I made for starting fires, a woolen blanket, pocket knife, a coffee can I found in the desert for carrying water and cooking, a pound of wheat (seed), and a few honey packs I traded for with my pals earlier on the trip. My days consisted of keeping my #10 coffee can scrubbed clean by the sand in the river and filled with water by my small fire which never went out. For food I'd grind the wheat to make ash cakes and drink tea made from the native Brigham tea plants. What could have been boredom to some people, the seemingly endless hours of solitude, caused me to become acutely aware of my soul and the southern Utah sky.

Images: (above) I call my solo location Solace Overlook, which is located at N 37.774437 W 111.423868 (DD). On the state map, the red star roughly shows about where I was located on a larger scale.(right)

You can see the rocky overhang I slept under and sought shade with. At night cliff served as a heat reflector for my fire and faced in the perfect direction so I could watch Polaris throughout the night.

Returning to moments of contemplation of ourselves in this universe can center our inner beings and bring peace. It can ground us in the fact that our role in the world is much larger and more significant than we sometimes realize. Solitude can provide us with that opportunity, if we let it.

I’m reminded of a movie I saw that made a deep impression on me. My Dinner With André, 1981, is a conversation between Andre Gregory and Wally Shawn, both of whom were active in New York theater. One of the primary themes that got my attention was that sometimes we get lulled into daily routines and take for granted mundane things that bring us comfort and joy. This quote from Andre’ to Wally:

What does it do to us living in an environment where something as massive as the seasons or winter or cold, don't in any way affect us? I mean, we’re animals after all. What does that mean? I think it means that instead of living under the sun and the moon and the sky and the stars, we're living in a fantasy world of our own making… [And] comfort can lull us into a dangerous tranquility.

Solitude can cause one to look inward to realize not only their smallness, but the potential of their greatness and the greatness of our God in the universe. I like the way philosopher and theologian Paul Tillich addresses this by saying, Loneliness expresses the pain of being alone and solitude expresses the glory of being alone.

He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth. He breaks the bow and shatters the spear; he burns the shields with fire. He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth… Psalm 46:9 (NIV)

For more insight on this, see the story Stillness and Silent Prayer by Debbi Geller, from Krista Tippett's OnBeing.org,  OnBeing is one of my favorite websites ever, and I'm glad I found Debbi's work. Thank you Krista and Debbi.

I hope you get to enjoy your own version of stillness and solitude. Feel free to leave a comment and tell me of your experiences in solitude or follow me on Twitter @guskoerner.

- gus

Post Script. What I didn't mention in this story but wanted to...1. How I got my fire started. 2. The rattlesnake that kept me from getting my tea leaves. 3. The fellow student that went home early because he cheated. 4. How beautiful the Big Dipper is when it rotates around the North Star. 5. The 13 mile run-in from the Escalante River to Boulder, UT. Perhaps another time.

Meditation on Forgiveness

Father in heaven, thou art great.
Creation beacons us to see
Wonders of your glory.

Father in heaven, thou art kind,
Mercy endless to abound,
Free to those who seek it.

Father in heaven, I have sinned.
Lord Jesus cleanse me with your blood,
Let me be your vessel.

Loving is my Father dear,
Forgiving all who stray away,
From your most wise precepts.

Father in heaven, I am blessed,
Beyond what man can comprehend
Help me bless my brother.

By G. Koerner
July 21, 2014

Journal Entry - I Am. (Who are you?)

This entry was originally written June 14, 2014. Warning - Journal entries are less consistent and are more just thoughts on a page, but I want to include them, pointing out an overall theme.  

The theme below answers the question, "Who am I?"  

They aren't  just random words, or descriptive words with their opposites.  I own each and every one of them in some way, or have at some point in the past.  Some of the words are dark, some encouraging.  As you read them, ask yourself, Is that me?  I encourage my readers to make their own list.  Who are you?  Really?  (Family and friends, don't freak out when the words get dark.  I'm really okay.)

Journal, June 14, 2014, 1:45 AM - I have been deeply considering who I actually am. First, I would like to start with my Creation Statement I developed back in 1992 while on a self-knowledge retreat.  I may phrase it differently today, but it is what it is...  I am a warm, inspiring, beautiful man.  But I am, or have been depressed, encouraged, hopeful, anxious, worried, sad, shameful, 24601, brave, nervous, suicidal, obligated, a father, a husband, a brother, a son, addict, recovering, giving up, carrying on, strong, faithful, consistent, determined, selfish, aware, present, grateful, jealous, forgiving, begrudging, willing, hoping, doubtful, dedicated, loyal, trustworthy, untrustworthy, reverent, trusting, weak, conscientious, tired, cynical, impatient, annoyed, grateful, blessed.

Random thought -  I want to write a book, Sacred Earth.

Back to I Am...  I am woodsman, outdoorsman, navigator, mapper, sleep deprived, friend, lethargic, swimmer, dog daddy, teacher, instructor, shooter, archer, napper, facilitator, counselor, friend, lawn mower, tree trimmer, confidant, manipulator, honest, liar, unworthy, worthy, Mormon, Catholic, Methodist, Presbyterian, contemplative, helpful, courteous, kind, unclean, officer, writer, reader, thirsty for knowledge, web surfer, caring, cooperative, learner, leader, follower, homesick, moody, sad, faker.  I am Jean Valjean.  Comedian, silly, kidder, over analyzer, lonely, law abiding, distressed, Javert, Younger brother, Older brother (Luke 15), mortal, repentant, forthright, bigot, accepting, forgiving, deceiving, nature lover, non-enduring, fatalistic, deaf, winner, loser, nerd, old, sneaky, sexist, gay friendly, homophobic, racist, slothful, hardworking, sacrificing, complaining, pessimist, optimist, sailor, knot tyer, dipper, stargazer, humble, arrogant, demanding, self serving, bald, overweight, can-doer, drop out, forgetful, pro-choice, republican.

Human.

Obsessive, compulsive, limitless, limited, shortsighted, visionary, spiritual, religious, anti-authoritarian, superficial, deep rooted, moderate, conservative, moderately conservative, risk taker, health aware, over-indulgent, sinner, redeemed, forgiven.

Who are you?  Who do I want to be?  With this knowledge we can change the outcome.

End Note: My wife shared with me this week what they teach the kids in vacation Bible school.  They have the kids look in the mirror and say to themselves, "You are God's Masterpiece because of Jesus."  I like that.  We need to remember we're all God's children, and he don't make no junk!

Feel free to add your comments, share with your friends and follow me on Twitter @guskoerner or @VOTMinistry.  I'm not too good with Facebook.

Journal Entry, May 19, 2014, Part 2 of 2, Obsession With Life in the Desert

I'm obsessed with learning more about the Spanish explorers who lived, explored, traveled and mapped the southwestern United States, in the Utah, Colorado, New Mexico region; specifically the southern Utah desert.  (Why do Franciscan monks always come up for me??)  The Escalente' Expedition were dedicated Christians and Catholic Franciscan monks, (Wiki photo, left) who tried to convert native Americans, but had the outdoor and mapping skills comparable to Lewis and Clark, but came before him in the 1770's.  The flintlock gun era.  I must research their journals!!  Someday I shall return to my most memorable place on Earth, which I call Solace Overhang.  It is located on the banks of the Escalente River at N 37.77445, W 111.42385.  Dead or alive, I shall return to that spot where I spent seven days alone in September of 1979, with nothing but a wool blanket, a coffee can, a pound of mixed wheat and corn flour and a half-dozen honey packs.  It was by far, the most influential time in my life where the only thing I could do was survive and reflect upon my life.  The only friend I had to speak to was my own conscious and God.  Occasionally I would explore and see a rabbit or a rattlesnake, but most of my time was appreciating the rocks, stars and cool stream a hundred yards away.  I would reflect upon my life thus far, and what the future may bring.  I was a naive nineteen year old with my life in front of me.  It was at that point, where I crossed from being a boy to a man, and the first time in my life seriously acknowledged God's grace in my life.  I also realized that the universe was much larger than I had imagined, and that spiritual life was more than a religious upbringing, or a church and didn't necessarily have to do with any particular religion or dogma.

I'll never ever forget laying on the ground under my overhang, covered by my woolen blanket next to my personal fire.  Even though I could feel warmth from the flames, I was still very very cold.  I would just lay there and wait for sunrise.  My body was facing North, and I had a clear view of the North Star, and the Big Dipper just beside.  Through the embers of the firelight, I would lay there and watch the fixed Polaris, with Ursa Major pivoting around it, completing a near full circle.  As the Big Dipper came close to the horizon, I knew that dawn was eminent, and I would soon feel the warm sun rays.  At dawn, I'd walk down to the Escalente River and fill my coffee can.  On the way back up the hill, I would collect some sprigs of Brigham Tea, Ephedra viridis, and then prepare a breakfast of ashcakes and warm tea to start my day.  For the first four days I had a little honey to put on my cakes.  At 37-111 (lat/lon) were my first experiences of heaven.

I thank God for that wonderful experience, parents who encouraged me and help make this happen, and for the people who ran the program, specifically Larry Dean Olson, author of Outdoor Survival Skills, foreward by Robert Redford, ISBN 13: 978-1556523236, the founder of BYU's Youth Leadership 480 program, and my class D-12.  I would also like to thank my program director Doug Nelson and my local Fort Worth buddy Bobbie Baird.  I also have to thank my father,Karl L. Koerner who was a course graduate in 1976.  This program is still ongoing, but under the direction of Boulder Outdoor Survival School, or B.O.S.S.